Category: God

Daily Life

The ugliness of life

Disclaimer: Nothing is wrong. Just pausing to reflect.

When I went back down to Arizona, a lot of people asked me how life is here. I kind of spouted the general, “Oh, I love it here…” stuff, plus a boilerplate response about how everyone on my floor is awesome, how I really like my job, and how glad I am to have found a good church. Those aren’t lies – they’re very true. But life isn’t all dandy.

The daily grind is as pointless as it ever was. I wake up – late – missing the first three classes of the day. (I’ve done that 2 days in a row. I am screwed.) I shower, stumble around the room, gather my stuff, turn on my iPod (sure, the new one’s nice, but is it $350 nice?) and wish that I had more time to sit down and enjoy a good breakfast. Instead, I get out the door barely before I have to be at school or work,  struggle with an overcomplicated bike lock (my paranoia insists!), and slouch my way through work or class thinking about things I can do when I’m done.

I get home. I leave the door open, hoping that people will drop in to say “hi”- but they largely don’t, because my desk is out of view of the doorway. I surf the web. I listen to music. I remember something that I wanted to go to that night, but don’t end up going for some reason. I go down with everyone to dinner- every night, it’s some variant of mexican food, fried chicken, or panini. I go back upstairs, want to hang out with people, but it seems that everyone has gone out. The only way for “real fun” around here is to go get drunk (today is “Wasted Wednesday”.)

I sit around more… Play Final Fantasy…. Derek comes in from next door, and he’s just as bored as I am.

I get into some task (almost never homework). It takes me until maybe 1 A.M. to decide to stop and go to bed- and I’ll be back up at 6 the next morning. Unless it’s Saturday, in which case I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.

All of this is my daily life as I pursue degrees in college. Degrees that some future employer will hopefully appreciate and hire me for a “successful” job. Assuming that there is a demand for that job- and that that demand isn’t in India. Meanwhile, I distract myself with these classes and work, sliding by and busying myself with things that I don’t really care too much about- and distracting myself from the things that do matter to me.
This is a very exaggerated, dark, yet true view of my daily life. I feel pretty happy about what I have going for me, and college is everything that I expected it to be. I love being free of the nusciences of high school. But I remind myself occasionally of my real purpose on this earth: to be a living, breathing proclamation of God’s Glory. I have already come to the realization that this is the only pursuit worth anything in this world. I am here ultimately because I want to serve him better; I don’t know how yet, but he’s told me to keep honing my skills. That is not the goal for most people in College- and so it’s very easy for me to get lost in the routine and forget about this goal. I constantly find myself thinking about how much I want worldly things: better skills, new stuff, A GIRLFRIEND… I think about these things all day. Rarely do I find myself longing to glorify God and become more intimate with him. I don’t have a hunger for Him yet. It’s growing. He’s working in me, and I am slowly but surely surrendering more to Him. But right now it’s a process of spending 90% of my time on pointless things, and then realizing that I’ve just wasted the precious time that He has given me.



I guess this completes my first normal weekly cycle at CSU. So far, I really like it- especially leaving behind the nusciences of high school. I feel pretty relaxed, and that’s after working a full schedule and having all of my classes. Obviously now I need to fit in the serious study habits, since it’ll get harder from here. I still struggle with getting distracted from studying, especially in the dorm with so many interesting people. My computer is also a large source of distraction. I kicked myself out to the library around 8 tonight, and didn’t get back until 11:30. I probably could have cut that time in half had I been more focused.

I’m also still pndering and praying about how God wants to use me to His glory. That’s my main goal- this stage of college exists in my mind merely as a platform for God to show me where I can work for Him. Unfortunately, keeping my mind open to this can be hard, since college is also the place that the world says you need to go to be successful – an assumption that I totally don’t give a crap. I don’t care about my wealth, stability, success, or I guess even happiness, which is what most people come here to gain. If I’m not careful, I might lose my desire to glorify Him and start desiring these pointless ends instead.

Living in the dorms hasn’t exactly been a shock for me, but it still is surprising to see everything that goes on- lots of partying, alcohol, sex… I’m never one to condemn, but I see so much of it going on at the same time. It just makes me sad, I guess. So much goes on without attention paid to the consequences later, so it seems almost risk-free. A dangerous deception.
I am definitely thankful that I view this from an outside point of view, rather than feel tempted to be a part of it – I hope that it continues to be that way. God has definitely worked to protect me from the start, because so far this seems nothing like my freshman year of high school (maybe skipping my freshman year of college was the best thing I ever did!)

OK, I’d keep talking, but it’s past midnight. I have class at 8. DANG. Here goes my first Hell Monday (all 5 classes, work till midnight)

Daily Life

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